国家や制度に対する怒りと憎しみが抑えられず、祟り神になりそう。これほどまでに幼稚で理不尽で、そして無責任なのか。いったい誰が、何の為に作ったのか。誰かのメンツの為に、心ない人間が作ったようにしか思えないほど、非合理的で中身がないし、誰も救われないし得しない。アホの極み。この世で、最も凶悪な犯罪であり憎むべきなのは、想像力の欠如した正義感なんだよ。
とは言え、このまま親父の誤診(2017-2018)やコロナ人災(2020-2022)の時と同様に、憎しみを溜め込んで抑圧されて拗らせて、それが次のトラブルを産むのも本意ではない。だが人生を賭して闘うべきなのかどうかも今はわからない。虚無と混沌の境目くらいか。誰もが救われる浄化の道とは何か？どうにか昇華しなければ。俺がやるしかないのだ。
致命的な欠陥も、その解決策も俺には見えているのに、その声がかき消されてしまう虚しさ。多くの人にとってはきっと、どうでもいいことなんだと思う。その程度、別にいいじゃん、結果オーライじゃんって。俺だって自分が当事者になるまではそうだったもの。だけど明らかな理不尽に蝕まれる苦しみは、経験した人間にしかわからない。かと言って俺は、もう誰も傷つけたくはないから、本当に厄介だ。火炎放射器で全て焼き尽くしてしまいたいくらいに。だけど、本当に誰も傷つけたくはないのだ。むしろ癒したいのに。
I’m overwhelmed by rage and hatred toward the state and its systems—so much so that I feel I could become a vengeful spirit. How could something be this childish, irrational, and irresponsible? Who created it, and for what? It feels like it was designed by heartless people just to protect someone’s pride. It’s absurd and hollow—no one is saved, no one benefits. It’s the height of idiocy.
The most unforgivable crime in this world is a sense of justice that lacks imagination.
Still, I don’t want to repeat what’s happened before—when unresolved hatred led to chaos.
My father’s misdiagnosis, the man-made disaster of COVID, and now this fury toward the system and its empty justice—each of them has planted the same kind of hatred in me.
Left unresolved and repressed, that hatred eventually burst out as uncontrolled emotional rage… and caused another wave of damage.
I don’t want to walk that path again.
And yet, I still don’t know if I should stake my life on this fight. I feel like I’m standing at the edge between emptiness and chaos.
What would a path of true purification look like—one where everyone could be saved?
Somehow, I have to transmute all of this. No one else will. It has to be me.
I can see both the fatal flaws in the system and how they could be fixed. But my voice is drowned out, and the silence that swallows it feels unbearable.
To most people, this probably means nothing. “It’s fine,” they say. “It turned out okay, didn’t it?” I used to think that way too—until it happened to me.
But the pain of being consumed by blatant injustice is something only those who’ve lived it can truly understand.
Still, I don’t want to hurt anyone—not anymore. And that’s what makes it so hard.
Sometimes I feel like setting it all on fire. But deep down, I don’t want to destroy.
I want to heal.
I want to heal others, too.
Dan Mitchel 